“When I first started running, I was so embarrassed I’d walk when cars passed me. I’d pretend I was looking at flowers.” ~ Joan Benoit Sameulson (Marathon Runner and Olympic medalist)
I am embarrassed. Embarrassed I had to walk for 2 minutes today. Sure, I tacked on 2 minutes of running at the end in an attempt at compensation but still…I had to walk. I’ve been running since September and I’m still struggling with 3.5 miles. Ugh.
My calves were tight right away and I’m sure this extra weight is dragging me down but the biggest road block is my brain.
It feels like the more people I tell about my goals in an attempt to not let me give up on myself, the heavier the weight is on my shoulders. Because I’m a super efficient and powerful mind reader I know that deep in the back of mind of everyone I share my goals with is a little seed of doubt that my fat ass won’t do this. That I’ll give up like I have before, only before I never specified any goals but that’s not the point. Lalala…back on track…. My brain hears me talking to myself, which I do often, and it picks up those doubt loops playing over and over and it kind of stokes the fire. -Well, you are having a hard time with the small steps. You’re never going to get the distance down in time for the 1oK, look how hard you’re working today. A triathlon? What were you thinking? – Then I feed into it and I wonder if I shouldn’t just quit now before I’ve told too many people and I eat a handful of Jelly Bellys (WTF is up with the buttered popcorn ones? SRSLY!?!) while reading through blogs at 9am because…well…you know…I sucked today in my run. Why is it that I can’t look at the fact that I ran. At all. Period. I ran. I ran slowly but I ran.
This changing my patterns thing is tough. I need to get a t-shirt with Stuart Smalley on it for the running days when I don’t think it’s in me. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough…”